Starting Over

This is my high school attempt at an impressionistic painting. I really struggled with the style but after getting in some of the colors my teacher finally said that in one tree I was finally getting it and I should use it as an example and redo all of my other trees. I did so and when I finished I showed it to her. The first tree looked oddly out of place. "Redo that tree" my teacher said, "but that is the one you told me was good, the one you told me to base my others on." I protested. "Yeah" she said, "but note you really have it, and that one looks bad." So I started over on that tree, and I'm glad I did. It was a lot better. 


This week I started working on a new database. I thought about adapting the tables that were already there but quickly decided it would be far easier just to start over, which I did. I now have a new database but without any data... I'm working on that.
Awhile ago I was working on a digital drawing and I asked my roommate for her opinion. She said that the cloak, which I had thought I'd finished, was off. So I avoided working on the whole project for a week or two and then finally went back to it, and started over on the cloak. It's much better.
Starting over is obnoxious, and something that is easy to put off or avoid but I've had great success when I do start over because sometimes it just needs to be done, even though it might seem like more work, but it is probably less work then patching up the old. Maybe the secret is knowing when you need to restart.

Allergies

"I'm allergic to boring."
The words, half-bragging, half-joke, made me think. They were probably written flippantly, just trying to portray that the speaker liked adventure, fun, entertainment. But as usual, I think too much. What sort of things are boring? Laundry. Washing dishes. Babysitting (unless it's stressful or a disaster). Data entry. Work. Digging. Reading assignments. School. Church. All of these things can be boring (not always but sometimes). Much of living a successful life is living through boredom (or perhaps finding the joy in little things so that life doesn't become boring. Even when you can find the joy in little things I still think that much of life can be kind of boring so it's important to learn to live with it. So if you are allergic to boredom, well maybe you should build up your immunity or something, because you aren't going to get far if you can't handle any.

Too Lazy

The other day my roommate said that her grandmother always says she's "too lazy." Too lazy not to wash the dishes right away. Too lazy not to put stuff away right away etc.This sort of behavior is lazy because if you leave it then things get crusted on, or you trip over stuff etc. My roommate although she could see the wisdom in it decided she was "real lazy" not her grandma's lazy.
My mother repeats the old adage "a stitch in time saves nine" on occasion, usually in regards to sewing but I think the same principle is displayed. I've decided that I agree, especially in regards to doing dishes, partly because I think a kitchen sink full of dishes is rather repulsive. I'm not quite so good at it in regards to other things (like folding my laundry) but I still think it a good principle... and I really am too lazy not to clean up that spilled juice right away.

Consuming and Creating: Part 10: Destruction

This morning my dad and I were talking about self-defeating habits. We all seem to have them. Crazy busy so you procrastinate. Not getting enough sleep so you go to bed late. Depressed and lonely so you hunker down and stay inside by yourself. Feeling discouraged that you aren't accomplishing much so you only do fun (consuming type activities) instead.... It's a real problem.
In the past I've talked about how apathy is in some ways the opposite of creating, because if we don't care enough to create then we might as well consume. This was more in regards to particular practices or things we do, but what about our very beings?
As we were talking about self-defeating habits or in other words, self-destructive habits it made me think of becoming... as in who we are becoming not just a specific practice.
Thus, it seems that when we are self-disciplined (not doing self-defeating things) then we are usually progressing and becoming (creating) a better person while when we are participating in self-destructive behaviors we are losing? destroying? the person that we could be.
Most of the behaviors or decisions I mentioned at the beginning can probably be linked back to a root problem of just not caring enough at that moment to make a better decision (or ignorance I suppose). This apathy then, is in reality destructive, and so to put it dramatically, if I'm not creating a better me I'm destroying the current me.

Being Natural; Comfortable or Expectation

All through middle school I spent the majority of my gym classes walking around the field with one of my friends, because that was an option and it was easier then putting myself out there and participating in sports I didn't know much about. Plus, my friend didn't feel comfortable going out there either.
Then one year in High School a different friend was in my gym class. We had been friends for years, and we had played running around games in my backyard, and his. I quite suddenly became one of the few girls in class that actively participated in gym class.

This week one of my good geology friends invited me to a graduate student dinner and devotional with her. The topic was faith and scholarship and we ate a catered dinner while the speaker talked. Then we sat around and visited for awhile with our tablemates, a girl from the physics department, and two boys, one an accountant and the other from educational research. The accountant happened to be an old high school friend of my friend, but other than that we were all basically strangers. A rather remarkable thing happened, we sat around and had an indepth discussion about what each of us were studying and how it related to our religious views. It was fascinating and well balanced and spiritually and intellectually edifying.
As my friend and I walked away I said "what just happened?" I've had conversations like that before but usually with family members or friends that I've known for some time, not strangers.

In both examples, high school gym class and dinner with strangers, I was able to be more myself immediately when I was accompanied by someone else that I was comfortable with and who was comfortable with the situation. What I don't know is why?
I suspect that is one of two reasons, or maybe a combination of both,
First, being with my friend who is comfortable makes me more willing to be vulnerable and natural.
Second, being with my friend who expects me to be myself, and might call me out if I'm not, makes it so I live up to the expectations of my friend, and hence act more natural.
I don't know what it is but I admit I like it better and I'm grateful when this sort of thing can play out... to be fair though, I still think the whole dinner thing was incredibly unique, and as someone said to me when I was trying to describe it, "the stars must have aligned."

Gratitude from a Sick Bed

I was sick all week but I decided that I was grateful for tissues (I can't even imagine the quantities of handkerchiefs!), breathing through my nose (I woke up this morning with my mouth closed and not dried out and weird feeling, hurrah!), and people (no matter the entertainment value of movies and books there is something about just watching people move about their daily lives that is intriguing, amusing and unpredictable).

Highschool Experiment

She belittled her students, and grinned after talking about handing out F's. She seemed to thrive off intimidation. And I sat on the front row.
I rebelled, because that's what I do when people dictate my respones. Having recently read the first couple of books of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time I liked the character Lan, who from what I remember, is a tough warrior who says little and shows his emotions even less. I had always admired such characters and so I decided to emulate them when I entered that teacher's classroom.
It was hard at first, but soon the moment I walked through the doors of B Period all emotion would drain from my face and there was nothing. On at least one occasion I remember the teacher telling a joke and as the class chuckled she looked directly at me and feeling nothing but obligation I quirked a lip. By refusing to show emotion I had almost lost the ability to feel emotion in that class.
At the end of the year I invited all of my school teachers to a dinner at my church that the youth were specifically hosting for all their teachers. She came and sat next to my parents and I ended up serving their table. At the end of the night (which including me spilling some salad on my dad) she told my parents that "she's shown more emotion tonight then in the whole year I've taught her."
I'm not quite sure why but during this whole experience I realized that although I was not harmed (insulted/intimidated) by my teacher I also lost the opportunity to have any positive emotions in that class and I decided although Lan may seem cool it is not actually cool to be someone with no emotion.
So, why are emotionless characters so common? They seem like they have become more common in some movies lately, but emotionless is not really anything anyone can actually relate too... unless some people are emotionless (but I don't believe they are). And aren't the best characters the ones you relate to?
It seems as if perhaps because emotions can cause problems or can make us vulnerable then people assume that having no emotion is the answer, but having no emotion means you can't be happy, and I like to be happy.
So, I have to admit I am grateful for that teacher, and the odd experiment I undertook, because now I know.

Side note: I think controlling your emotions is entirely different then embracing apathy, and controlling (bridling) your emotions is vital.