Addiction

This summer I have been around some people that are addicted to some of the typical addictive substances; caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, etc. It provided me with more indepth and thoughtful personal observance. The Word of Wisdom as explained in more detail here (under the Word of Wisdom heading) talks about avoiding addictive substances as well as other harmful behaviors. This commandement was given to protect our bodies and our spirits. As I observed and thought about addictions I came to understand it better. It's not like if you drink one beer you will become an alcoholic. Or if you smoke pot once, or twice, or a lot that you will become a homeless panhandler. It's more subtle then that. To me an addiction has two parts. First, it is more about how much time you spend thinking about and doing things to make your addiction possible or to participate in it. As in, thinking about how wonderful it will be to smoke again, and how and when you will buy your next pack and then actually the time it takes to smoke. The second part of addictions, is the desire to change your mood by some outside force. Drink away the blues, get buzzed, etc. In reality I think this is a very natural desire, but it is also a counterfeit. As one of my friends once said "If someone has felt the Spirit and then lost it, they would do anything to have it back again." Unfortuntely that is not always the case, but having the Spirit with you is truly an amazing feeling. Sometimes I call it "inexplicable joy." It's wonderful to be filled with the Spirit, but the thing that's different between a "spiritual high" and a drug induced one is that drugs limit your agency, your ability to choose, while the Spirit magnifies it with the motive of love and doing good.
I hope this isn't all too thick.
So the "moral" of my story is that not only the above mentioned substances can be addictive. Many things can become too time consuming and mood altering. I have heard many people talk about chocolate constantly, or they are on facebook for hours. After all this you may ask what my addiction is. Books. This past week I have finished 4 books in 5 days. I need to work on that. . .

Master Love

As I mentioned previously I recently read The Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.  He is a famous author for a reason. It was a masterpiece or interwoven characters, plots and details. As I read I kept wondering why certain chapters were in there, but then in the climax they all came together in an amazingly satisfying and intelligible way. I was very impressed.
Granted I can understand why some people wouldn't like it. It is very detailed, some characters are never even named but just referred to as "the mender of roads" or "the tall man." Which gets rather confusing. Also, it's not written like most books are today, where the whole novel is driven by a flowing plot surrounding a main character.  I still couldn't tell you who the main character is, Lucie perhaps?
But, back to why I like it (which will include spoilers). Sydney Carton was a fascinating character. I never loved him, but I pitied him, and respected him, and loved his sacrifice for Lucie. I pitied him, for the way he doubts himself. Near the beginning of the book he recognizes what he could have been when he sees Darnay, but then he just cries into his pillow. How often have I felt that I can not do better then I am. And I respect him and love his sacrifice -- the very giving of his life -- for a man, who is the husband of the woman he loves. His love is perhaps one of the profoundest, purest forms of love from any book I've read. For the most part he is not jealous, he is inspired to be better and do better, he is steadfast, and he respects both Lucie, and the one's she loves.
I also recently read a book by one of Dicken's contemporaries, Elizabeth Gaskell's Wives and Daughters. She died before she finished it just so everyone knows. I didn't know that and then end was very sudden! But I bring it up as a foil against Carton's love. This is a love story but none of the characters love is as deep, long lasting, and requiring the sacrifice that is shown in Dicken's book. But I guess we can say that for them it is young love, untried. I still felt it was lacking. Everything can't be compared to a master.

Self-esteem

My six year old nephew is a little obsessive about money. He always likes to play with his quarters and always carries them around with him. I wonder if he thinks better of himself when he does have money.
Lately I heard that many people (especially men and boys) build self confidence as they set out and then accomplish hard things.
Personally I know that accomplishing things, especially creative endeavors, gives me a feeling of value and worth. Basically, my level of usefulness determines -- to some extent -- feelings of self-worth.
Ideally self-esteem/self-worth should be an internal knowledge of personal divinity. I am a child of God. That knowledge/feeling is not always innate though and it must be built up and strengthened. I think knowing what other kinds of things build your confidence can be beneficial, especially if they are healthy (as in not facebook popularity or how many toys you have).

Beautiful Death

As a member of the LDS faith I believe in an afterlife that is good and happy and productive. I would not say that I am afraid of death. However, I'm not sure that I'd ever thought of it as beautiful before this Arch trip. We worked in a dead forest with dead trees, looking for the cultural remains of dead people who belong to a dead culture. We found such remains as well as the skeletons of dead animals. In other words, there was quite a bit of death around. And it was beautiful. I don't know how many pictures of dead trees I took, their red streaked trunks scratching the sky. The skeleton of the moose with the ferns I think was my favorite though.

So when I continued on that thread I started thinking about what made death beautiful or not (including that sad kind of beauty that I talked about in "Sadness and Beauty" from January of this year). I think it has something to do with being natural, and mature. When death is natural and mature so it doesn't feel unjust, and the pain isn't raw, nor the skeletons gory then it can become a beautiful, natural, even fuller part of life. 

I'm reading A Tale of Two Cities at the moment. Dickens writes "In the moonlight which is always sad, as the light of the sun itself is--as the light called human life is--as its coming and its going." I had to read it a few times to comprehend it, but again I come to the conclusion just because it is sad it does not mean it is ugly.