Surprises and Grownup Presents

I like surprises and I like to think up presents that the receiver will really like without having them tell me what they want... but I'm kind of terrible at actually thinking up presents so that is a problem...
However, I had a couple of people tell me this Christmas that they are just as happy getting something they had asked specifically for as something thoughtful they hadn't thought about.
This year I got some exciting grownup presents I had asked for (aka jumper cables, and a mini flashlight. And that was pretty exciting. I also got a surprise grown up gift that I hadn't asked for (a 72 hr kit backpack) which I was also rather excited about. But I think one of my favorite presents this Christmas was the surprise kids present I got (a really cool Lego set from my brother).
And there in lies my dilemma. I like surprises! But I do appreciate things I will actually use too. 

Playing the Game

So, I'm engaged and thus have had to start planning a wedding... or rather everything else...
One thing I've been struck by is how many things (bouquets, dresses, cake, reception decorations, pictures, etc) are really all about playing the game... As in I'm not sure I actually care about having a bouquet and yet I feel some obligation to do so. Most of this stuff I don't care about (I wasn't one of the girls that dreamed up and planned my wedding when I was 12) but I do care about the people that will be coming and I want to be able to make things for them convenient.... But even the reception seems a little sad to me, because all these people I care about are planning on coming and yet I probably won't have the time to actually spend with them...
I guess what I've realized the most though is even though I may think some of the things are silly and almost unnecessary I also have a desire to play by the rules... I might not be looking forward to the pictures and yet I'm planning on doing them (not the ones by myself though!). I think I want to play by the rules for a couple of reasons. First, there is a legitimate reason for a lot of it (aka receptions are not just for the couple but for the families). Second, I guess I don't really want to make some sort of rebel statement. I'd rather not rock the boat... 

Canada Comments*

This week I spent a few days in Canada doing dinosaur research.
First, I spent the stay in Drumheller. It reminded me quite a bit of another small dinosaur community in the middle of no where.... Namely Jensen Utah. They both are in the middle of nowhere. Surrounded by flatlands with the occasional oil derrick (is that the right word?). Then the towns themselves are kind of podunk with lots and lots of random dinosaur statues in front of every business in town. Oh, and then they also both have beautiful, impressive dinosaur museums of course. I just think it is an interesting example of cultural convergent evolution.
Second, people in Canada really do say "eh" a lot.
Third, I was really impressed by the museum there, particularly in the way they melded art and science. In several exhibits they only had partial dinosaur (or other fossil) skeletons and they completed it with an artistic sculpture to dive you an idea of the whole while still preserving the magnificence of the original specimen. Plus, there exhibits in general were just very visually appealing. I love it when art and science work together.


*This should actually be something like Comments on some random things I noticed while on a trip to Canada... but it just doesn't have the same ring to it...

Conversation Mediums

When I was in high school instant messaging was kind of a big deal, and I remember thinking that it would be fascinating to have a poem or short story written in that medium. I'm sure people have done it now (in a texting medium) but I guess I just think it is interesting how different mediums change conversation.
In person there is generally the communicators share short statements back and forth.
In written word there are long paragraphs sometimes with multiple questions all on one side and then all on the other.
In text or other instant messaging formats it seems like there can be both although generally not really long paragraphs, but there can also be a third variation that I am often intrigued by. It is when there are several conversations going simultaneously but with the same person. Unfortunately, I don't have a  good example of it but I shall make a fake one.

M: How was work today?
M: Do you have any extra eggs?
K: It was pretty good but really busy.
K: Yeah, how many do you need.
M: Why was it busy?
K: Oh it was because they had a big group come in. How was your work?
M: 3. What are you making?
M: Mine was a headache.
K: Sweet Can I come over and get them?
M:Yeah see you in a bit

The words in blue are all one conversation.
Multiconversations like this are kind of unusual I think and I'm a lot more likely to have them with certain people, but I just find it interesting that the medium as well as the person can affect the type of conversation you have.

Day of Giving Thanks

This week was Thanksgiving. I celebrated by eating food with friends and family but sometimes I miss doing the projects that I did as a kid where I listed things I was thankful as so I thought I would here instead.

my parents

my siblings

my boyfriend

cousins I'm close to

friends from growing up

geology friends

mission friends

Nauvoo friends

roommates

church friends

leaders, past and present

teachers

God and the godhead

prophets

church

religion

faith

creativity

my body

animals

my apartment

memories

my childhood

agency (even though decisions stress me out)

scriptures

fun books

children's books

educational opportunities I've had

the internet

Wikipedia

email

phones

my health

sun

rain on my head

bones

plants and mountains

senses

emotions

holidays

building things

laughter

language

computers

my car named Gent

dinosaurs

nature in general

my stuffed animals

nativities

baby animals because they are cute

rolls

strawberries

fresh peas

sharp cheese

muffins

chocolates

water

history

paper clips

I think I could keep going but it was fun to think about it a bit.

What does Automation get us?

In high school I did a research paper about the early astronauts. One of the things that I found interesting was that the astronauts (pretty much all former test pilots) had to fight the administration types so that they could actually fly the space craft. Much of it was still automated but without fighting for it probably all of it would have been.* They wanted the opportunity and the thrill of driving these spacecraft for themselves.
Lately there has been a lot of talk (and some testing) of automated vehicles. Then we don't have to drive!
I don't know much about automated cars or the implications of such things but it has made me think. First, why is it that things one group of people fights for is then readily given up by another group. (And I'm no different... I didn't make much of an effort to vote this year).
Second, in our effort to delegate everyday chores to machinery I wonder what we lose in other ways.... In the past women gathered to wash clothes together and men gathered to work the fields, especially in harvest. Automation of much of these tasks has cut out on this community.
Potentially, automated cars could give us more time to do other things while being transferred about, like reading or playing games on our phones (at least that is what I did when I took the bus regularly). Which honestly doesn't sound that productive/healthy. Sometimes I wonder if in all our getting we don't get understanding.... we just make more time for recreation... which isn't always a good thing.

*From what I remember this was more for the early orbiting missions rather than for the landing on the moon and docking missions later. 

Media Emotional Manipulation*

I watched a suspenseful movie last night with some friends, it was not my first choice but I was trying to be a team player, but it got me thinking about why there are some movies, including suspenseful ones, that really bug me. The reason why I don't like them is because I feel like the movie makers are trying to manipulate my emotions to feel something very specific aka fear, surprise, etc by doing certain things with the filming and music etc.
After thinking about that though, I noticed a flaw in my logic. All movies (and media) pretty much want to manipulate our emotions. They are telling us a story and want us to feel certain things while we watch them, so why does it bother me so much in certain types of movies? I mean one of my favorite scenes** from the LoTR is the one where Pippin sings to Denethor while Faramir is fighting the orcs. The music in that scene is evocative and my emotions fall in line with what I think was intended, disgust at Denethor, and sadness at the futile nobility of Faramir's obedience. But that manipulation doesn't bother me, in fact I am impressed by it. Thus, I decided that what bothers me is that it is trying to inspire emotions that I don't want, namely fear, and so I can't enjoy the movie. Instead I spend my time finding plot holes so that I never become invested and they can't make me care.
So, in conclusion, it's not the manipulation of emotions that I object to, but the emotions they are trying to create.

*Say that 5 times fast.
**Note this scene portrays Denethor accurately but the way in which they trashed Faramir's character is disgraceful!

Halloween Creativity

I've decided that I really like Halloween! I like it because I love seeing the creativity it brings out in people. I feel like the two main activities associated with Halloween are carving pumpkins and dressing up and both of those are very creative activities, both in coming up with ideas and also in the execution of it (either the carving of the pumpkin or the creating of the costume). I think it's fun to do it myself (ok, I haven't gotten into the creating of costumes) but I also just really enjoy looking at other people's creativity on display. I feel like Halloween might be the most overall creative of the holidays and that's fun.

So I hope that even if you didn't dress up or carve a pumpkin you were able to appreciate someone else's creativity.
(Also I apologize that I don't have any pictures.... I didn't take a picture of my protoceratops pumpkin...)

Spending Time

Recently I visited with a friend from my Nauvoo digs and we relived our time there. There was three of us who were pretty much inseparable. For a month and a half we worked long days in hot humidity and then in the evenings and on our off days we would play together.
Several years ago I drove from Washington DC to Utah with my sister and her four children. On the last night when we had arrived at our parent's home at 1 or 2 in the morning after spending 4 days in a car together we still couldn't seem to stop talking. There was always just one more thing to say.
These experiences and others like them are memories and relationships to be treasured because they are relatively rare. But it also makes me remember that there isn't just one type of person that I can be really good friends with and there is more people out there then I think sometimes that I do like to spend time with.

Routine vs. Unusual

Yesterday I got to drive across the causeway that crosses the Great Salt Lake. Some of the people with me were super excited because few people get to do this. I didn't actually know much about it, but it ended up being super cool. It's this embankment of rock, dirt and wood that spans the width of the lake, made entirely by human hand. (I guess there's a cool show about the making of it on youtube but I haven't actually watched it). The whole thing is the width of a traintrack and a dirt road (we took the dirt road). It separates the north and south portions of the lake, with little water flowing between the two sections. Thus, the north is extremely salty and has a bunch of algae that causes the water to look pink. The south is less salty and less red.

looking east across the causeway

The other day I was feeling kind of tired of the work I was doing and my friend told me I had a rough life because I was doing real science and working with 125 Million old dinosaur bones. Like in my hand! It made me realize that because I work in a dinosaur museum, surrounded by fossils, and getting to go into the back room with the special stuff then it had all become routine.
The causeway was cool because it was the first and special time I went.... but I'm sure to the people who drive it frequently it's just a washboard dirt road. The bones were just work because that's what I do every day. It was a good reminder that if we don't work to keep things from being ordinary even the coolest most amazing things can become routine.

Breaking Silence

I have noticed that sometimes the longer a silence goes on the harder it is for me to break it. Almost like the longer there is silence the more emphasis there will be on the words spoken. Like the silence is future exclamation points... and so what I say has to be good! I know this is probably weird, and it's not how I feel all the time but sometimes...
On the other had I've been around some people that after a brief silence, that doesn't seem awkward to me, break it with some almost inane comment about it being awkward. Apparently they don't feel the hidden exclamation points that I apparently do...

Figurines

All the figurines I painted for my brother.

Sorry, I'm not very profound today, but I've been working on the material for this post for a LONG time. After I painted some little figurines for a friend (pictured here) then my brother asked if I would paint some little metal figurines he had cast as a scout (I think). They weren't the best quality but I figured why not. I have to admit I think the paint really did help too.

The "bad" guys.

The best of the figurines. It helped that the castings were a lot more detailed.

The Kitten's Crew

In a blog post a few years ago I mentioned how lies can be true. In other words, fiction is surprisingly accurate. A few months ago my friends and I decided to write a story where all of us and our larger group of friends were animals doing something together. We ended up writing it and here is a single scene from it. As I was typing it up so everyone could enjoy it I was struck by how extremely accurate it is. I think we somehow captured the essence of each other. The whole thing is chuckyjam full of inside jokes, ridiculousness and geology references, which is why I didn't post the whole thing. For reference my name is Phalanx, (which is a finger or toe bone) and I'm a chipmunk. My friend (Perlite) did the drawings.


Back at the vines, a debacle was ensuing. Arkose was tugging on Eclogite’s tail while he was tenaciously clinging to the vines with his little claws.
Garnet and Perlite followed Flurry to the scene.
Perlite, not seeing anything amiss said, “Hey guys.”
“Uh …” said Garnet.
“Figures,” said Flurry, just as Eclogite released the vines and slashed Arkose across the nose.
“Ow!” she exclaimed.
Flurry flicked her tail. “Eclogite, are you joining us for our fabulous fun?”
Eclogite rolled his eyes, and sighed. “Fine.”
Just then, Epidote arrived with Phalanx riding on his carapace. Phalanx thanked Epidote for the ride. He chortled and said “No problem!”
The kitten’s crew raced up the mountainside, leaving Epidote in the dust. As they scrambled along, a loud squawking sounded from above.
“Wolf-pack mentality is a very interesting psycho-social phenomena,” said the magpie, I O.
Before anyone could respond, he flew off. The crew shrugged as one and continued their journey.
“Halt!” Arkose exclaimed, her feet spread wide. “I can sense--” At that moment, the earth shook beneath them, causing them all to stumble to the ground, except Flurry, who floundered.
“What was that?” asked Phalanx.
“That was a volcanic tremor, ding dong,” said an exasperated Eclogite.
“Do you think we should turn around?” asked a concerned Perlite.
“We’re probably okay,” Epidote said, out of breath after hurrying to catch up with them. “Don’t you remember when Rapikivi told us about his hike up here? There were lots of tremors and he was okay.”
“I feel like we’re fine to forge ahead, then,” Flurry said.
“All right--let’s go then!” Garnet shouted and slithered onwards and upwards.
As the crew trudged along they outpaced Epidote the turtle once more.
“Hey, maybe we should wait for Epidote,” suggested Perlite.
Everyone agreed, though some were more reluctant than others. Just as Epidote arrived Arkose said, “finally, we can--”
“Look! Spunks and Porph are here!” shouted Perlite, before dashing off to say hello.
Eclogite rolled his eyes and began stretching, arching his back in disapproval.
“Hey, gneiss to see you all!” Porph said as they all exchanged greetings, “What brings you to the slopes of Ember Hot Cone?”
“We’re going to see Rapikivi at the top of the volcano,” Garnet joyously said.
“Do you want to come with us?” Perlite asked.
“Well,” Porph said, looking over his shoulder, “Spunks is chasing down that butterfly. We’ll meet you up there.”
“Good,” Eclogite said, “the less the merrier.”
Once again the kitten’s crew started up the mountain.
Flurry froze. “Friends! Where’s Phalanx?”
Arkose chirped and ran around searching for her friend while Eclogite ignored them all and continued up the mountain.
The other’s joined Arkose in the search for the little chipmunk. Finally, Flurry’s fantastic nose led her to a rib cage, where Phalanx stood amongst the bones looking upwards in awe.
“Really Phalanx? You’re looking at bones?” Arkose said.
“What?” Phalanx said coming out of her daze. “Wait! These are awesome. Epidote needs to see this,” she said as she scurried across vertebrae and around ribs.
Perlite scrambled up a rib, “I can see him coming from here.”
Annoyed at how long this would take, Arkose decided to leave. With a twitch of her nose, she ran off to join Eclogite. “Wait for me!” she shouted, “Eclogite!”
Without a backward glance, he trotted faster.
“Wait, is that the skeleton of a hodag?” Epidote asked.
“No,” exclaimed Phalanx, “it’s a wyvern, silly turtle.”
“Friends, perhaps we should flutter away and catch up with Eclogite and Arkose,” Flurry said.
“Agreed,” Garnet said.

Inadequacy: Rooted in Relative Comparisons

When I took a semester class on ASL I was surprised at how there didn't seem to be a word for big or little that was used by itself. Instead you make the sign for the opposite of what you want to say and say no, not that, and then make the gesture for the other. Basically it is all about the comparison.

Lately I've been thinking about how inadequacies often stem from comparisons. I never thought of myself as good with computers in my family of computer-nerd brothers, and growing up I thought I was terrible with kids because my sister was such a natural with them. I've learned that I'm fairly adept with computers... and I'm pretty good with kids. But with the comparisons around me I had a false idea of normal. It is ironic that inadequacies are based on comparisons, because the comparisons are all so relative.

Perhaps what is most frustrating about all this is that it is really hard to realize that you are making this comparison within a skewed group until you have been removed from the group. When this group happens to be your family this doesn't happen for a while, long enough for your skewed view of yourself to take firm root....

Beautiful; A Compliment

I apologize if I've written about his already, but I couldn't find that I had so here it is.... perhaps again.

I find the term "beautiful" extremely confusing. I feel like it involves a rather significant double standard. A visibly appealing sunset, flower arrangement, or woman are called beautiful simply because of their aesthetic value. Then in the next moment beauty is used as a term for internal? inherent? value disregarding or even in spite of visual appeal.

So basically beauty is a good thing but it might mean super shallow or the complete opposite.

And I'm not exempt. I do this all the time. Usually I use the term beautiful to comment on something aesthetically pleasing and then I find the term "beautiful" popping to mind when confronted with an old, haggard but genuinely good person. So basically, I blame English for being vague... 

The firehydrant picture is the picture my friend sent me for my birthday, and for lack of a better term I called it a beautiful picture... I'm not even sure which definition.... but I might be biased.

Natural Reset

I was talking to my Dad about this and really it was his idea but I thought it was interesting so I thought I'd write about it.
The idea is that throughout history you can track wars and revolutions and often these seem to come when the society has gotten so one sided (one group is just too powerful) that either a revolution destroys the government or another country comes in and wipes them out. Basically the war/revolution resets the government or society or both. The French revolution is probably the most common example of this.
Nature seems like it does kind of the same thing to some extent and in some environments. For instance pine trees grow up into a huge forest and block other things from growing but after a while the pines get old or sick and a beetle or a fire take out the whole forest leaving it open for other species to grow and take their place. And then in geology the whole rock cycle is about changing one type of rock into a different kind. Resetting its nature if you will.
Thinking about all these big, general reset buttons made me wonder about whether this could be related on a small scale, like personally in my life. From a religious point of view the natural reset button in all our lives is repentance with help from the grace of God. However, in my big examples I talked about wars, and fires, which aren't the most comfortable things... rather devastating actually, and repentance doesn't have to be that drastic. I try to repent often but it isn't a process that completely destroys my life, but I suppose my life isn't that out of balance either so perhaps that's why.

Consistency

​I have talked about boring things in the past and how you just have to adapt to them. Today I was thinking about how some tasks that are repetitive can be really enjoyable but often times are just indifferent. For instance, eating has to be done all the time and most of the time it is just something that needs to be done but other times it is really enjoyable. But either way you have to do it.
I feel like religious things, (going to church, praying, and reading scriptures) is especially like this. Many times when I participate in these activities I feel like I don't feel particularly edified. But then occasionally it's really really good. And other times it's somewhere in between. But if I never did it then I would never get those moments of enjoyment and/or edification which are so thoroughly helpful and satisfying. So even though I don't love eating every single time I do it anyway, because in the accumulation of doing it over and over again, it is worth it.

Motivations

One thing I've been thinking about lately is why I choose or don't choose to do certain things.
A simple example is getting out of bed. I wake up, look at the time and it's a reasonable time to get up and I roll back over and go back to sleep.
But here are two possible thought paths. 1) I don't feel like getting up. 2)I was up late, and I don't have anything I need to get to at a specific time this morning.
The first option is straight up lazy, while the second is a legitimate, and maybe even health conscious, reason to stay in bed.
I've noticed that I often make decisions based on fear or laziness (mostly those two but there are other negative emotions that I'm sure could be included). And I've decided that I really would rather not. So lately, I've tried to gauge the why of my decisions. Am I doing (or not doing) something out of fear or laziness or is their a legitimate reason why. Sometimes the outcome may end up the same but I don't want to live a life directed by negative emotions.
Unfortunately the motivation I'm not sure I can overcome is that of habit, because sometimes I do things just because that is always how I do it and it doesn't occur to me to do it differently.

Mistakes

Today at church a girl was singing a solo and at the beginning of one of the verses she started singing the words to the chorus (at least I think that is what happened, she sang the right words at the wrong time... that much I gathered) and she grinned at her mistake and kept going. The grin was perhaps a little sheepish but very genuine. It reminded me of times when I am reciting something from memory but I mess it up and my audience just smiles. And it doesn't feel like they are laughing at me, it's more like commiseration or something...
So what is it about mistakes, especially in formal, predictable situations that makes us smile?
I saw a video once of a baby, just old enough to laugh, who was shown a ball rolling down a ramp. The ball was sent rolling twice in the exact same way and then the third time something different happened. It rolled off the end or got knocked off course or something and the baby laughed. It was the unexpected that made the baby laugh. That's probably a rule of some sort among comedians.
One thing that I think is nice about making mistakes in songs or memorized words is that it makes me think more about the words I'm saying.... because when everything is going fine its easy to forget what the words actually mean.

Eowyn's Walls

I think I was in high school when I first read Lord of the Rings and with the movies coming out everyone was obsessed with it. Some of the other girls and I all really like Eowyn. She's one of the few girl characters and she fights with the men and is awesome.
My sister wasn't as a big fan, and I asked her, surprised, why she didn't like her. "She's always so desperate. Desperate to fight, desperate for Aragorn's love, just desperate. I just can't relate to her character."
The other day I read a ridiculous regency book about a girl who is so desperate to fly from her gilded cage she makes a terrible bargain with her mother and ends up deeply hurting herself and the boy she loves and finally just runs away. I enjoyed the story more or less but I just couldn't relate to the character she was just too desperate.
These two characters seem like all they see is walls, when in reality they have so many opportunities in front of them that they just can't see it.
Maybe I just live in a charmed life, but I just don't feel like I'm surrounded by walls. I don't feel caged. Do some people just look for the walls? or are they really there and I'm just blind to them?

Wandering

Often on my hikes by myself I will start out on the same trail until I look up and see something and say to myself "I'm going to go to that outcrop." And then I do. When I get there I hike some more until I decide on a new objective and go there.
When I'm on the phone I often go for walks and it is kind of a similar process. I walk straight until I decide I want a change and then at an intersection I will turn and walk straight for another stretch.
On both the mountain and the neighborhood jaunts I mostly go up or out from my initial spot until I decide that I want to turn around and then I wander back in the same fashion.
The wandering isn't exactly random but it certainly isn't planned out before hand with a specific destination in mind.
I was talking to a friend about wandering and how peaceful it is... how it provides a change in pace.

It made me wonder if I'm wandering through life, and I think I am. I think I have a tendency to just go where life takes me, go with the flow, until I see some specific (but short term-ish) destination and then I make for it (a mission, BS, MS) and then I wander some more until I catch sight of another destination that looks intriguing and go for it.
I told someone once that I didn't really know what I wanted and he was skeptical. "And yet you have a Masters," he said. I kind of wanted to respond, "I think that was an accident."
To be fair, it wasn't an accident but it was more of a short term plan rather then a life goal.
And just like my wanders are always up and out (well until I have to turn around) I think my life is pointed in a higher faster direction.
I know this wandering type of life might drive some people insane, or just be utterly unfathomable but I think it works for me. When you do things this way you never know if you'll find mountain goats or bones, new friendships or fascinating facts.

Change/Time

This week I've re-read some entries from my old journals, mostly within the last five years and it has been fun to notice some things.

Some of my thoughts seem super immature.... And it's only been a few years.
I came across a few realizations that I documented and looking at it now I was like, "that's when I realized that? I thought I'd known that forever."
Some of the people I mention I barely remember... They have fallen from my life with barely a ripple.
Some of the relationships, problems, classes, and over all stresses are completely gone. I remember them but just like those people I mentioned above they are essentially meaningless in my life currently, except as memories.
I am not the same person I was ten years ago, or five or even just two years ago. And yet I'm still very much inherently me with some of the same thought processes, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes. 
I always find it fascinating to read books that cover large amounts of time so that you can watch the character grow up but still keep being themselves. Perhaps series are the best in that way. Anne of Green Gables and Harry Potter are pretty good at it, but perhaps the best I've read at this particular feat might be the book Chop-chop, which I read a month or so ago.

The Dangers of Common Ground

My sister and I were talking about how it is easy to get talking negatively with certain people. Sometimes it's because the person is just negative but sometimes it's more because you just start sharing experiences that are alike and they all happen to be negative.
People are always talking about the importance of connecting over common ground* during small talk or even when you are preparing for heavier topics (like as a missionary).
But lately I've been thinking about how sometimes it is so tempting to make the connection that I emphasize something in my life to do so.
For example, when talking to someone shy sometimes I talk up my feelings of social inadequacy. When someone is complaining about the heat I talk about how sunny it was that morning.
It isn't as though those things are not things I've felt or noticed but they just aren't as big a deal as I portrayed. 
When this happens the common ground is built but I'm just not sure it is the positive, accurate common ground that is firm enough for continued interaction. So how do you build on common ground without inaccurate emphasis? I have no idea. Perhaps it doesn't actually matter that much and I just think too much.... that's been known to happen.


*No I do not have any sources for this statement.

Nerdy Inside Jokes

This week I was hanging out with paleontologists and they were making some paleontology jokes and I realized how much I enjoy intelligent "inside" jokes.
Being part of a specialized field or group provides opportunities for specialized often situational jokes... I would tell some but situational jokes just don't work well without the long description and then they are hardly funny. I have enjoyed this kind of joke with archaeologists, paleontologists, family members and other Mormons.
I wondered for a bit if the satisfaction came because they are inside jokes. I understand them, but not everyone would.... and that might be part of it. However, I usually feel uncomfortable around inside jokes when people who aren't in on it are around. Plus, this kind of joke is even more satisfying when everyone present does understand it.
So if the satisfaction doesn't come from a feeling of superiority (I'm hoping it doesn't) where does it come from?
The type of joke I'm talking about requires an in depth knowledge of some subject (church history, an obscure computer game, bones, rocks, etc). Thus, there is a level of accomplishment that comes from knowing I worked hard to understand the science or facts behind the joke. Perhaps the shared laughter is even an acknowledgment of shared accomplishment.

By the way, the picture is one I took in Korea at a children's park (part of a zoo). The way the T-rex is popping out of the volcano... or maybe he is spewing lava from his mouth, makes me laugh every time. It's not quite the type of joke I talk about here but its getting there.

Free T-shirts

Free food among college students is known as a great motivator, and so, in my experience, free food is often announced with most college activities. However,  free food isn't vvery high on my list of motivators.
So today, when an activity was announced with free food I thought "probably won't go to that." And then they announced there would be free T-shirts. "Maybe I will go."
For some reason free T-shirts is oddly motivating for me. In highschool we got free T-shirts sometimes... they were usually white and I never wore them, but since then I have got some that I was pretty excited about.
PBS kids in the park (a service activity)
LDS Institute (a church educational class)
iDigNauvoo (a service/job archaeological dig)
PiDay (a Math department activity)
and a few others...
I think the reason I like free T-shirts is because they usually come with a group commitment or commonality. It makes me feel like I am part of something bigger like I talked about in an old blog post. Plus, wearing it after is a reminder of that commonality.
It's a little silly really, and perhaps odd because at other times I steer clear of shirts with words on them.... but free t-shirts are just different.

Watching Ducks Grow

Near my house there is a little artificial stream that I walk beside, often when I'm talking on the phone.
This spring there has been several duck families there, mostly mallards, and they aren't scared of people.
One family, with an odd gray duckling, and like 10 other ducklings I kept particular track of. The gray duckling made it easy to make sure they were the same family. The last time I walked by though they were gone, so they most of grown up and moved away.
They aren't the best pictures but it was fun to watch them grow.
Also I realized that none of these pictures have the daddy duck but he was there most days.

May 14

May 20

May 25

May 28

Fieldtrip Conversations

This past week I went on a geology fieldtrip for a class I didn't take. It was five days of driving, hiking/rock stops, and eating out. There was one professor (M), three students who took the class (D, C, S) one of who is another girl, and me. All of us knew each other before. Probably the least degree of previous association was me and the professor.
We had quite a few conversations (not surprisingly) and I was struck by who talked when. The topic seemed like it had a lot more to do with who talked rather then the situation (hiking, driving, or eating).
Below I list the five most common topics and then the order in which it felt like we participated in the conversation.

Rocks (specifically granites)
M, S, C, D, R
History (mostly war)
M, C, R, D, S
Religion (we are all LDS)
R, M, C, D, S
Movies/books (predominately classics)
M, D, R, C, S
Music
D, M, C, S, R

It is unsurprising that our professor talked the most about the rocks, he was teaching us stuff, and it is also unsurprising that he was one of the most frequent conversationalists in general, because he did drive the whole time and thus even if some of the rest of us were napping if there was a conversation he was generally a part of it.
The rest of us talked, it appears, roughly in order of knowledge about the subject. Hence, I spoke least about rocks and music and most about religion and books/history.
Anyway, some random thoughts. I'm sure other things affected it too (natural talkativeness, position in the car, etc). But it was intriguing.

Accomplishment

As I've mentioned before I find satisfaction and accomplishment in getting dirty (whether that is because of hard physical labor or because I was painting) even if it actually isn't that productive.
The other day my friend told me that she likes to travel because the feeling of movement and change makes her feel accomplished.
After going on a hike with some people who sped up the mountain far faster then I preferred and was capable I asked why they liked hiking. I like it for the peace and the natureness of it and the way they treated it, that didn't seem a likely motive for them. So I asked what they liked about hiking, and she said that getting sweaty makes her feel accomplished.
I asked another acquaintance what made her feel accomplished and she said doing well on a test. She then expanded that and said she didn't feel the same way about writing a paper because tests are timed with very specific points where writing you could have always looked through it one more time.
So although this one could be seen as normal educational success it also could be seen as more like checking something off a list feels productive.... I should have asked if she likes checklists.
This variety of things; getting dirty, traveling, getting sweaty, checking off boxes, are not actually inherently productive and yet each of us feels accomplished when we succeed in doing our own thing.
It has made me more curious about what other random things individuals associate with accomplishment. Plus, learning about them can make me more sympathetic to how people do things..... like the hiker who I thought was missing the whole point of hiking until I learned her purpose was different.

Higher Faster

Higher. Faster. Higher. Faster.
Growing up, this was the mantra I repeated as I closed my eyes and pumped my legs on the swing.
When I opened my eyes I was always swinging higher and moving faster then I was before I closed my eyes.
This week I've been thinking about this phrase and personal development and it seems like there are three steps.
1) The words. I don't think saying "Higher. Faster." actually changed anything but it kept me focused and determined on what I wanted the end goal to be.
2) Pumping. Pumping my legs is what actually changed things.
3) Closed eyes. This made it more obvious when I did open my eyes to see how things had changed. Plus it helped me avoid distractions.
So how does that all relate to personal development? Here are a few ideas.
1) The words. Goals, except I don't really like goals. Perhaps it could represent choosing to work on something. Aligning my will to what I know I should do.
2) Pumping. The actual get-in-the-dirt, mind-numbing slogging of whatever it happens to be.
3) Closed eyes. Focus and reflection. It's easy to look back 10 years and say wow, I've grown a lot, but sometimes it's harder to look back 3 weeks and know that I've changed.... but maybe that's not the point, instead I should just look back 3 weeks and ask myself if I'm changing.

Its not a perfect analogy but perhaps it's at least an interesting way of seeing things.

Too bad I don't have any artsy pictures of kids on swings....

Of Dinosaurs and Mothers

I really wanted a picture of a maiasaura but unfortunately I don't have one. Maiasaura means "good mother lizard" and was named because of how frequently these dinosaurs are found in nesting areas.

Dinosaurs have a very specific constellation of traits that makes some animals dinosaurs and some not. Two traits an animal absolutely has to have to be considered a dinosaur is (1)being a diapsid (two holes in the skull not counting eye orbits) and (2) an upright posture (no crocodile-like bent legs for them). So when people ask if dimetrodons  are dinosaurs the answer is a resounding "No." They are synapsids (only one hole) with a sprawling posture...... but when someone asks me what a dimetrodon is, it is entirely too easy, because it gets the general idea across, to say "a dinosaur with a sail." Inaccurate yes, but we honestly don't have another word in the english language/vernacular that is more accurate.

Mother's Day is an odd day, because like dinosaur, mother is a vague term. It is a very precise term that means one thing. A woman who has had a child. And yet it also means someone who loves, who cares, who nurtures, who laughs, who guides, who sacrifices for her children, for her family, for her friends, for strangers.

This disconnect between the precise definition of mother and the vague all encompassing feeling of mother causes a great deal of hurt, confusion, guilt, and longing on this day that I'm sure is meant to be celebratory.

It's just really easy as someone who doesn't fit into the whole "woman who has a child" definition to feel that Mother's Day isn't about me.

It's also easy, I imagine, as someone who fits the precise definition of having children but feels lacking in that more vague feeling of motherhood to feel inadequate.

So that just leaves us in a nightmare tangle of unhelpfulness... so I would suggest that we dwell less on the precise definition of mother and more on the vague feeling. However, this often feels unsatisfactory because this feeling is a terrible definition. Unfortunately, I don't think motherhood can be defined in more precise terms without destroying that feeling, and yet this very vagueness means that when one person doesn't embody every word we associate with mother that's ok. They don't need to.

My mother, my sister, my two sister-in-laws, my friends, my aunts, my grandmothers, my friend's mothers, are all wonderful mothers. Some of them are good listeners. Some have a talent for giving good advice. Some make everyone feel comfortable. Some know how to get things done. Some are good at focusing on the individual. Some are determined.

What I'm trying to say is unlike the precise constellation of traits you have to have to be a dinosaur there isn't just one way to be a mother. And that includes who you're a mother to.

So I refuse to define what a mother is to me (that would defeat the whole point, besides I'm not sure it's possible) but I know that I love my nieces and nephews, and I enjoy watching them, getting to know them, playing with them, reading to them, and just holding them. I also know that there are people in my life that I care about enough to disagree with them, tell them to go to bed, and would (and have) drop(ped) everything for.

Happy Mother's Day and I'll forgive you if you call dimetrodons dinosaurs. For a more doctrinal focused take on this topic try Sister Eubank's talk.

Seeing Differences

A couple of weeks ago I spent two weeks in Korea. I haven't done much international travel (I'm not sure Canada before I was 12 really counts). I was struck by--you'll be shocked--differences, as well as similarities.

When we first got off the plane and my brother-in-law was driving us through the city I was struck by how absolutely normal it felt. Only when I focused did I notice that most of the cars were muted colors and small (not really any pickup trucks or suburbans).

Walking around at the park there were violets, dandelions, plantains and magpies... pretty ordinary. Although the magpies did seem to be a slightly different variety.

The people, well they looked Asian. After I'd been there a week instead of noticing that everyone looked Asian I noticed when people were white.

Seoul was a city with big buildings, crowded streets and busy people. And yet, they did a remarkable job with making green space within the crowded streets.

Rocks were typically metamorphic with some igneous thrown in where in the western US sedimentary with a bit of igneous is more common (well where I am).

We went to some museums filled with projectile points, swords, cannons, and groundstone. All things I've seen in museums before but the projectile points were ground instead of flaked. The swords didn't have cross hilts. The cannons were a lot earlier and included rocket fired arrows. The groundstone was different... I just don't know enough about it to explain it. 

And touring Seoul with midget kin including a baby, it was obvious how much Koreans as a whole love children, particularly babies. They all clucked at, and smiled with my baby niece... and yet as a whole there wasn't many children around.
I'd sum it all up, but the problem is some of it wasn't sums... they were differences.
I was fascinated by how much the same a completely foreign culture and country was, and yet because it was the same it was easier to notice the differences.
Is that what always makes differences more apparent?

Transitions

My sister wither her six kids is always talking about how rough transitions are on them. Transitions can be a wide range of things from simple things like dinnertime or time to go home from the library or bigger things like a new school year or moving. Her kids all react differently to transition but some of the "symptoms" can be more violence, more sass, munching, clinginess, or tantrums. Watching my sister's kids and other kids, I have come to agree with my sister. Transitions are hard.
This week I returned from a 2+ week vacation (visiting said sister) and have realized that I need to confront my future for real now. I was super grumpy and I was grumpy because I wasn't being productive (only consuming) and I realized transitions aren't just hard on kids...

 Is it any wonder the transition between land and sea can be so rough?

Growing into Similarity

When I was little I would always tease my mother because she was always cold and I wasn't. Now I'm always cold too and so now I often wear overshirts just like she and my dad do.
I went on a road trip the past couple of days and I really enjoyed looking at the scenery. The rolling hills of winter wheat and the winding mountain pass alongside a spring flood high river surrounded by pine trees were beautiful. I remember road trips where my mom was always telling us kids to stop reading and enjoy the scenery and I always thought, "why bother."
I think I'm a lot like both of my parents and some of the things that seemed different between us when I was a child now seem like they were an age thing not a personality thing.

Momentum

In a book I read recently one of the main characters was a career soldier (Dalinar in Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson). He is constantly thinking about how momentum affects a fight or battle. Once you have the momentum if you can keep it up it means that you will most likely win the fight.
Sometimes I just really don't want to write or work on whatever but often once I start I can get into it and it ends up being a good experience.
However, on occasion it just feels like I'm slugging through the whole thing and it's more or less torture.
In physics if you have a frictionless environment (these are only common in physics text books, not real life) once an object has momentum it continues moving indefinitely. When there is friction or other forces on the object it naturally slows down much faster, but depending on how much velocity and mass it has it can overcome friction (depending on the friction) for sometime.
So to return to momentum in life maybe when just starting doesn't seem enough it is because the task is not frictionless and the velocity of starting isn't enough to keep going.

Starting Over

This is my high school attempt at an impressionistic painting. I really struggled with the style but after getting in some of the colors my teacher finally said that in one tree I was finally getting it and I should use it as an example and redo all of my other trees. I did so and when I finished I showed it to her. The first tree looked oddly out of place. "Redo that tree" my teacher said, "but that is the one you told me was good, the one you told me to base my others on." I protested. "Yeah" she said, "but note you really have it, and that one looks bad." So I started over on that tree, and I'm glad I did. It was a lot better. 


This week I started working on a new database. I thought about adapting the tables that were already there but quickly decided it would be far easier just to start over, which I did. I now have a new database but without any data... I'm working on that.
Awhile ago I was working on a digital drawing and I asked my roommate for her opinion. She said that the cloak, which I had thought I'd finished, was off. So I avoided working on the whole project for a week or two and then finally went back to it, and started over on the cloak. It's much better.
Starting over is obnoxious, and something that is easy to put off or avoid but I've had great success when I do start over because sometimes it just needs to be done, even though it might seem like more work, but it is probably less work then patching up the old. Maybe the secret is knowing when you need to restart.

Allergies

"I'm allergic to boring."
The words, half-bragging, half-joke, made me think. They were probably written flippantly, just trying to portray that the speaker liked adventure, fun, entertainment. But as usual, I think too much. What sort of things are boring? Laundry. Washing dishes. Babysitting (unless it's stressful or a disaster). Data entry. Work. Digging. Reading assignments. School. Church. All of these things can be boring (not always but sometimes). Much of living a successful life is living through boredom (or perhaps finding the joy in little things so that life doesn't become boring. Even when you can find the joy in little things I still think that much of life can be kind of boring so it's important to learn to live with it. So if you are allergic to boredom, well maybe you should build up your immunity or something, because you aren't going to get far if you can't handle any.

Too Lazy

The other day my roommate said that her grandmother always says she's "too lazy." Too lazy not to wash the dishes right away. Too lazy not to put stuff away right away etc.This sort of behavior is lazy because if you leave it then things get crusted on, or you trip over stuff etc. My roommate although she could see the wisdom in it decided she was "real lazy" not her grandma's lazy.
My mother repeats the old adage "a stitch in time saves nine" on occasion, usually in regards to sewing but I think the same principle is displayed. I've decided that I agree, especially in regards to doing dishes, partly because I think a kitchen sink full of dishes is rather repulsive. I'm not quite so good at it in regards to other things (like folding my laundry) but I still think it a good principle... and I really am too lazy not to clean up that spilled juice right away.

Consuming and Creating: Part 10: Destruction

This morning my dad and I were talking about self-defeating habits. We all seem to have them. Crazy busy so you procrastinate. Not getting enough sleep so you go to bed late. Depressed and lonely so you hunker down and stay inside by yourself. Feeling discouraged that you aren't accomplishing much so you only do fun (consuming type activities) instead.... It's a real problem.
In the past I've talked about how apathy is in some ways the opposite of creating, because if we don't care enough to create then we might as well consume. This was more in regards to particular practices or things we do, but what about our very beings?
As we were talking about self-defeating habits or in other words, self-destructive habits it made me think of becoming... as in who we are becoming not just a specific practice.
Thus, it seems that when we are self-disciplined (not doing self-defeating things) then we are usually progressing and becoming (creating) a better person while when we are participating in self-destructive behaviors we are losing? destroying? the person that we could be.
Most of the behaviors or decisions I mentioned at the beginning can probably be linked back to a root problem of just not caring enough at that moment to make a better decision (or ignorance I suppose). This apathy then, is in reality destructive, and so to put it dramatically, if I'm not creating a better me I'm destroying the current me.

Being Natural; Comfortable or Expectation

All through middle school I spent the majority of my gym classes walking around the field with one of my friends, because that was an option and it was easier then putting myself out there and participating in sports I didn't know much about. Plus, my friend didn't feel comfortable going out there either.
Then one year in High School a different friend was in my gym class. We had been friends for years, and we had played running around games in my backyard, and his. I quite suddenly became one of the few girls in class that actively participated in gym class.

This week one of my good geology friends invited me to a graduate student dinner and devotional with her. The topic was faith and scholarship and we ate a catered dinner while the speaker talked. Then we sat around and visited for awhile with our tablemates, a girl from the physics department, and two boys, one an accountant and the other from educational research. The accountant happened to be an old high school friend of my friend, but other than that we were all basically strangers. A rather remarkable thing happened, we sat around and had an indepth discussion about what each of us were studying and how it related to our religious views. It was fascinating and well balanced and spiritually and intellectually edifying.
As my friend and I walked away I said "what just happened?" I've had conversations like that before but usually with family members or friends that I've known for some time, not strangers.

In both examples, high school gym class and dinner with strangers, I was able to be more myself immediately when I was accompanied by someone else that I was comfortable with and who was comfortable with the situation. What I don't know is why?
I suspect that is one of two reasons, or maybe a combination of both,
First, being with my friend who is comfortable makes me more willing to be vulnerable and natural.
Second, being with my friend who expects me to be myself, and might call me out if I'm not, makes it so I live up to the expectations of my friend, and hence act more natural.
I don't know what it is but I admit I like it better and I'm grateful when this sort of thing can play out... to be fair though, I still think the whole dinner thing was incredibly unique, and as someone said to me when I was trying to describe it, "the stars must have aligned."

Gratitude from a Sick Bed

I was sick all week but I decided that I was grateful for tissues (I can't even imagine the quantities of handkerchiefs!), breathing through my nose (I woke up this morning with my mouth closed and not dried out and weird feeling, hurrah!), and people (no matter the entertainment value of movies and books there is something about just watching people move about their daily lives that is intriguing, amusing and unpredictable).

Highschool Experiment

She belittled her students, and grinned after talking about handing out F's. She seemed to thrive off intimidation. And I sat on the front row.
I rebelled, because that's what I do when people dictate my respones. Having recently read the first couple of books of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time I liked the character Lan, who from what I remember, is a tough warrior who says little and shows his emotions even less. I had always admired such characters and so I decided to emulate them when I entered that teacher's classroom.
It was hard at first, but soon the moment I walked through the doors of B Period all emotion would drain from my face and there was nothing. On at least one occasion I remember the teacher telling a joke and as the class chuckled she looked directly at me and feeling nothing but obligation I quirked a lip. By refusing to show emotion I had almost lost the ability to feel emotion in that class.
At the end of the year I invited all of my school teachers to a dinner at my church that the youth were specifically hosting for all their teachers. She came and sat next to my parents and I ended up serving their table. At the end of the night (which including me spilling some salad on my dad) she told my parents that "she's shown more emotion tonight then in the whole year I've taught her."
I'm not quite sure why but during this whole experience I realized that although I was not harmed (insulted/intimidated) by my teacher I also lost the opportunity to have any positive emotions in that class and I decided although Lan may seem cool it is not actually cool to be someone with no emotion.
So, why are emotionless characters so common? They seem like they have become more common in some movies lately, but emotionless is not really anything anyone can actually relate too... unless some people are emotionless (but I don't believe they are). And aren't the best characters the ones you relate to?
It seems as if perhaps because emotions can cause problems or can make us vulnerable then people assume that having no emotion is the answer, but having no emotion means you can't be happy, and I like to be happy.
So, I have to admit I am grateful for that teacher, and the odd experiment I undertook, because now I know.

Side note: I think controlling your emotions is entirely different then embracing apathy, and controlling (bridling) your emotions is vital.

Positivity

Recently I have been filling out applications and I get tired of all the questions couched in politically correct terms but really saying "please complain about how hard your life is." I wouldn't mind so much if they were asking about how I have overcome hard things but I don't think they are.
One question said something along the lines of "if you are from a group that is usually a minority within higher education please describe how your point of view will broaden the diversity of our school." I asked my friends for a few suggestions and I just rebelled at the thought of writing them (poor me I'm a woman in science). So instead I wrote this:
Historically women are underrepresented in higher education; however, this has not been a negative experience for me. Being part of an accepted minority has allowed me to see how diversity, when respected, can foster additional insights, creativity, and increased openness.
I think I had like 600 more characters I could have used but my writing tends to be brief.
It makes me wonder why people seem to like sob stories so much. Isn't it far too easy already to think and talk negatively, why not focus on our triumphs and overcoming? Why not focus on the bright and beautiful things in the world (or dark and beautiful--you know how I feel about nighttime) just because we can? Why focus on the differences when we can rejoice in common ground?
Perhaps some might say you only say that because your life is easy. You haven't been a shunned outsider/minority. And my answer to that is: you're right, my life is good, so again why should I complain about it. Maybe your life is good too and if you focused on the positive it might be better still.

Weirdness Defense

At get to know you activities (which I seem to constantly be a part of) one of the typical things is to go around in a person and say your name and one thing that is "interesting about you." Then I try to desperately think of something that is random but not actually that helpful in getting to know me... As in I don't like to say things that are typically seen as cool. For example on a few different occasions I've said "my hair is brown", "I like paperclips", or "I like to dig in the dirt". Random but not actually helpful.
The other day someone suggested I apply to Yale. I said "Why in the world would I want to go there?"
My friend said "because then people would think you're awesome."
"Exactly why would I want to go there?"
And she said, "because you are awesome."
I do think I'm interesting and kind of cool but I hate it when people assume I am for the wrong reasons. Maybe that is why I don't like it when people find out I'm a Master's student and they start gushing about how smart I am.... or I'm studying paleontology (dinosaurs) so suddenly I'm cooler than the person studying finance... ok so I don't mind that when it's my nephews that think I'm cool but yeah.
So basically I realized that I would rather tell acquaintances things that make me seem weird rather then cool.... perhaps it is a form of self defense. Tell them something weird so they run away instead of letting them get to know me and then having them run away.
Sometimes I think I am pretty confident and then I figure things like that out about myself and I think, maybe I'm not as confident as I thought.

Sickness and Other Thoughts

The past couple of days I haven't really felt awesome. You know, it is cool to get colds this time of year. It has made me realize how juvenile I can be at times. Yesterday I went for a short walk in the rain because I wanted to but today I didn't talk to someone I was sitting next to at church because "I'm too tired." I guess I just realized that when I am feeling a little off I have a ready made excuse for anything I don't want to do, even if I'm fully capable. Not only do I have an excuse, but I use it.
It reminds me of a time in the MTC (explained a couple of posts ago) when I was recovering from a cold and I kept coughing, especially whenever someone asked me a hard question. It very nearly became a habit. Cough if I don't know the answer.... luckily someone called me out on it and I stopped but really sometimes I'm kind of a wimp. What is weird is I don't think I generally make that kind of lame excuse... I just do it when I'm a little sick.

In other news, this is the first post of a new year, and the end of the old. I thought about writing something about goals or a year in review or some such thing but I couldn't put my finger on anything concrete, so you get this instead. However, when I was thinking about that sort of thing I reread a few of my posts from this year (sometimes I'm pretty smart but I really should proofread, and I've learned some cool things) and I was surprised at how much the post from last year from around this same time is actually fairly similar to how I'm feeling at the moment. Maybe not much has really changed.