Breaking Silence

I have noticed that sometimes the longer a silence goes on the harder it is for me to break it. Almost like the longer there is silence the more emphasis there will be on the words spoken. Like the silence is future exclamation points... and so what I say has to be good! I know this is probably weird, and it's not how I feel all the time but sometimes...
On the other had I've been around some people that after a brief silence, that doesn't seem awkward to me, break it with some almost inane comment about it being awkward. Apparently they don't feel the hidden exclamation points that I apparently do...

Fieldtrip Conversations

This past week I went on a geology fieldtrip for a class I didn't take. It was five days of driving, hiking/rock stops, and eating out. There was one professor (M), three students who took the class (D, C, S) one of who is another girl, and me. All of us knew each other before. Probably the least degree of previous association was me and the professor.
We had quite a few conversations (not surprisingly) and I was struck by who talked when. The topic seemed like it had a lot more to do with who talked rather then the situation (hiking, driving, or eating).
Below I list the five most common topics and then the order in which it felt like we participated in the conversation.

Rocks (specifically granites)
M, S, C, D, R
History (mostly war)
M, C, R, D, S
Religion (we are all LDS)
R, M, C, D, S
Movies/books (predominately classics)
M, D, R, C, S
Music
D, M, C, S, R

It is unsurprising that our professor talked the most about the rocks, he was teaching us stuff, and it is also unsurprising that he was one of the most frequent conversationalists in general, because he did drive the whole time and thus even if some of the rest of us were napping if there was a conversation he was generally a part of it.
The rest of us talked, it appears, roughly in order of knowledge about the subject. Hence, I spoke least about rocks and music and most about religion and books/history.
Anyway, some random thoughts. I'm sure other things affected it too (natural talkativeness, position in the car, etc). But it was intriguing.

Being Natural; Comfortable or Expectation

All through middle school I spent the majority of my gym classes walking around the field with one of my friends, because that was an option and it was easier then putting myself out there and participating in sports I didn't know much about. Plus, my friend didn't feel comfortable going out there either.
Then one year in High School a different friend was in my gym class. We had been friends for years, and we had played running around games in my backyard, and his. I quite suddenly became one of the few girls in class that actively participated in gym class.

This week one of my good geology friends invited me to a graduate student dinner and devotional with her. The topic was faith and scholarship and we ate a catered dinner while the speaker talked. Then we sat around and visited for awhile with our tablemates, a girl from the physics department, and two boys, one an accountant and the other from educational research. The accountant happened to be an old high school friend of my friend, but other than that we were all basically strangers. A rather remarkable thing happened, we sat around and had an indepth discussion about what each of us were studying and how it related to our religious views. It was fascinating and well balanced and spiritually and intellectually edifying.
As my friend and I walked away I said "what just happened?" I've had conversations like that before but usually with family members or friends that I've known for some time, not strangers.

In both examples, high school gym class and dinner with strangers, I was able to be more myself immediately when I was accompanied by someone else that I was comfortable with and who was comfortable with the situation. What I don't know is why?
I suspect that is one of two reasons, or maybe a combination of both,
First, being with my friend who is comfortable makes me more willing to be vulnerable and natural.
Second, being with my friend who expects me to be myself, and might call me out if I'm not, makes it so I live up to the expectations of my friend, and hence act more natural.
I don't know what it is but I admit I like it better and I'm grateful when this sort of thing can play out... to be fair though, I still think the whole dinner thing was incredibly unique, and as someone said to me when I was trying to describe it, "the stars must have aligned."

Small Talk: the Death of Conversation

Several weeks ago I went on a hike with some geology people. One of them is a Muslim boy from Indonesia. When we were driving back I asked him what was the most surprising/confusing thing about this new culture he was currently immersed in. His answer floored me, although I agreed whole-heartedly. He said that he hated how conversations all started with "How are you?" here because that was usually where they ended too. He talked about how impossible it felt to actually get to know people because the small talk killed all chance for connections (well that was my interpretation). He said in Indonesia people often invited each other to go places together to get to know them which was more effective.
Around the same time I moved into a new apartment and found myself at several social events (including church... not always a social event but for what I am talking about here for all intents and purposes it is). I felt like every new conversation was identical to the last. "What's your name?" "Where are you from?" "What are you studying?" "How far along are you in your degree?"
Notice how none of those questions have "Why" at the beginning (I am convinced most conversations get interesting when why is asked).
I kind of just wanted to give up, I mean why bother talking to people when the conversation is so redundant I won't even remember who they are or what we talked about 10 minutes later?
At another activity I decided to try harder and I asked a girl what the most boring thing she did that day was. It was a far more interesting conversation.
I decided I really wanted to ask questions like this more often, throw out the boring questions I mentioned already, but there are two things I didn't like about that question. 1) It is a "favorite" question, and sometimes asking a "favorite" or "most" question is annoying because it puts undue pressure on speaking accurately... I have to think too long about it and that is not really necessary. 2) It focused on a negative aspect of life... I don't want to ask for complaints.
So then I spent some time trying to think up questions that I could ask that weren't boring. Here are a few I thought of:
What was the last animal you saw?
Do you like trees or mountains better?
What inanimate object makes you smile?
What made you smile today?
I asked the trees or mountains question to someone and they said "Why?" which I guess is the epitome of the problem.... non standard questions aren't really seen as quite acceptable, and thus, I often don't have the guts to ask them.... and then I dread asking the boring questions I just don't ask anything...
So is the compromise just asking the boring questions with "why" follow up questions (that works ok sometimes)? Or just to stop caring if people are totally confused when I ask them about odd things?
Of course I could always just stop talking to people I don't already know. I just can't get over how an outsider who had such a different culture background focused on how westerners kill the possibility of relationships before they even begin all with our small talk. Let's stop sabotaging ourselves!

Articulate and Connect

In a recent talk given to the women of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Sister Eubanks encouraged us to be articulate in standing up for what we believe in.
Recently I received an email about a scholarship essay contest. You could choose from several topics and then write an essay about it. They were thoughtful topics and I thought it would be fun to try my hand at it.
It has been a while since I have written an essay but it was fun (well, when I would finally get around to it and give myself time to get into it). I had a week to write it, and mostly worked on it in the evenings but because I didn't have a ton of time I ended up sending my quite rough draft out to my parents and brother. Normally I polish things up a lot more before I let people edit them, so it was interesting to have them see it and then communicate their own opinions and ideas on the subject, some of which I incorporated within the essay.
I realized that as I tried to articulate new ideas not only did my essay change but my ideas developed as well. One of the best parts though was hearing other peoples ideas that I may never have heard if I hadn't included them in the process.
When I first heard Sister Eubanks talk about the importance of being articulate I assumed it was because it is important to stand up for good things and to be heard, but as I worked on this project I realized maybe it is more than that. When we are articulate, or at least voice our opinions or beliefs then it challenges others to think about their own and often to voice those ideas as well. When multiple opinions are heard (not just voiced) that is when connection and communication really occurs. It is from this dialogue that we really learn and maybe even make change possible.
That is really what I like about my blog (I'd forgotten it though). I love when one of my posts triggers a response (whether digital or not) and an exchange of ideas occur.

Silence

Not long ago I had a friend tell me something that I wasn't positive I understood.
She said that on days when she mostly worked by herself than she had a harder time making the effort of being social in the evening (or whenever) but on days that she worked with people all day long it was easier to be social at night too.
For the last couple of years I have, for the most part, spent all my time by myself or only with a small group of unvarying people (mostly family). Sometimes when I was by myself for inordinate amounts of time than I was more eager for conversation than ever.
I moved to an apartment this week and have been surrounded by strangers, and what my friend said suddenly made more sense. When I have been unsocial all day it is far more difficult to put forth the effort into being social, but I think the reason I didn't understand before is because it wasn't really that much of an effort to be social with my family. That's not nearly as hard as trying to be social with strangers. Which really isn't surprising but I guess I just hadn't thought about it before.

Conversations: Part Two: The Good Ones

I am a sucker for good conversations, and I think about them frequently, (check out Part One). I have even noticed that I get grumpy if I haven't had a good conversation for some a couple days. This leads to the obvious question: What makes a good conversation?
For me it takes a few things.
1) It's got to be back and forth. It doesn't have to be 50-50 but it has to be close, and both people have to participate in the meat of the conversation actually sharing opinions/feelings/ideas.
2)Content. This one is tricky. There seem to be about four types of conversations. People talk about people, places, things, or ideas. Each can revolve around stories that apply to the subject at hand. Some conversations can combine these things. My favorite is when ideas are involved, but other than that I am usually pretty flexible. As in I like conversations talking about how different people react to a certain situation and why, but I also enjoy talking about how things can affect culture. Whatever, and there are a lot of other examples, but I get bored or I just don't feel fulfilled after a conversation if it was only a rehash of people someone has met, movies someone as seen, places someone went or things people like to do.
OK. I guess I will take it back, it only takes two things for me to like a conversation. Although if I get to learn something that is a bonus.
What I find fascinating and also depressing is it seems impossible to have a good conversation with most people. I realize that many people just don't talk ideas but I have found that those who do usually need a lot of time to warm up to the subject or warm up to the person. As in you have to be really close friends to talk ideas. . .
Which begs another question, or at least it does to me. Why are people so reticent to talk ideas? Is there something in our culture that suggests it's not appropriate? (So is this common in most cultures?) Or are people just too curled up to talk?

Conversation: Part One: Kinetic Conversation

Last night I had a long conversation with my preteen nephew. Almost the whole time we were flinging a stuffed octopus like a frisbee back and forth. It reminded me of countless conversations I've had with my brothers and friends while tossing pillows or occasionally actual frisbees back and forth. It seems to me that there is something about doing things with your hands while you talk that can help conversations be more comfortable.
Even driver/passenger conversations on road trips or talking while doing a puzzle seem like the same thing. Maybe it is simply because you don't feel like you have to be talking the whole time, because you are interacting the whole time in a more distant way, but still interacting. So if you can't think of anything to say, it's not a big deal, you can be silent, or even comment on the way the octopus flipped, or the puzzle piece you are looking for.
However, some types of kinetic conversations seem like they don't work. For instance, when you are shopping (there are too many decisions that need to be made).
As I write this it also makes me wonder if it is a gender thing. If boys are more likely to enjoy kinetic conversation, because most of the example from my own life seem to be with boys. But then again maybe it is more about who I have conversations with. . .