All through middle school I spent the majority of my gym classes walking around the field with one of my friends, because that was an option and it was easier then putting myself out there and participating in sports I didn't know much about. Plus, my friend didn't feel comfortable going out there either.
Then one year in High School a different friend was in my gym class. We had been friends for years, and we had played running around games in my backyard, and his. I quite suddenly became one of the few girls in class that actively participated in gym class.
This week one of my good geology friends invited me to a graduate student dinner and devotional with her. The topic was faith and scholarship and we ate a catered dinner while the speaker talked. Then we sat around and visited for awhile with our tablemates, a girl from the physics department, and two boys, one an accountant and the other from educational research. The accountant happened to be an old high school friend of my friend, but other than that we were all basically strangers. A rather remarkable thing happened, we sat around and had an indepth discussion about what each of us were studying and how it related to our religious views. It was fascinating and well balanced and spiritually and intellectually edifying.
As my friend and I walked away I said "what just happened?" I've had conversations like that before but usually with family members or friends that I've known for some time, not strangers.
In both examples, high school gym class and dinner with strangers, I was able to be more myself immediately when I was accompanied by someone else that I was comfortable with and who was comfortable with the situation. What I don't know is why?
I suspect that is one of two reasons, or maybe a combination of both,
First, being with my friend who is comfortable makes me more willing to be vulnerable and natural.
Second, being with my friend who expects me to be myself, and might call me out if I'm not, makes it so I live up to the expectations of my friend, and hence act more natural.
I don't know what it is but I admit I like it better and I'm grateful when this sort of thing can play out... to be fair though, I still think the whole dinner thing was incredibly unique, and as someone said to me when I was trying to describe it, "the stars must have aligned."
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Gratitude from a Sick Bed
I was sick all week but I decided that I was grateful for tissues (I can't even imagine the quantities of handkerchiefs!), breathing through my nose (I woke up this morning with my mouth closed and not dried out and weird feeling, hurrah!), and people (no matter the entertainment value of movies and books there is something about just watching people move about their daily lives that is intriguing, amusing and unpredictable).
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Highschool Experiment
She belittled her students, and grinned after talking about handing out F's. She seemed to thrive off intimidation. And I sat on the front row.
I rebelled, because that's what I do when people dictate my respones. Having recently read the first couple of books of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time I liked the character Lan, who from what I remember, is a tough warrior who says little and shows his emotions even less. I had always admired such characters and so I decided to emulate them when I entered that teacher's classroom.
It was hard at first, but soon the moment I walked through the doors of B Period all emotion would drain from my face and there was nothing. On at least one occasion I remember the teacher telling a joke and as the class chuckled she looked directly at me and feeling nothing but obligation I quirked a lip. By refusing to show emotion I had almost lost the ability to feel emotion in that class.
At the end of the year I invited all of my school teachers to a dinner at my church that the youth were specifically hosting for all their teachers. She came and sat next to my parents and I ended up serving their table. At the end of the night (which including me spilling some salad on my dad) she told my parents that "she's shown more emotion tonight then in the whole year I've taught her."
I'm not quite sure why but during this whole experience I realized that although I was not harmed (insulted/intimidated) by my teacher I also lost the opportunity to have any positive emotions in that class and I decided although Lan may seem cool it is not actually cool to be someone with no emotion.
So, why are emotionless characters so common? They seem like they have become more common in some movies lately, but emotionless is not really anything anyone can actually relate too... unless some people are emotionless (but I don't believe they are). And aren't the best characters the ones you relate to?
It seems as if perhaps because emotions can cause problems or can make us vulnerable then people assume that having no emotion is the answer, but having no emotion means you can't be happy, and I like to be happy.
So, I have to admit I am grateful for that teacher, and the odd experiment I undertook, because now I know.
Side note: I think controlling your emotions is entirely different then embracing apathy, and controlling (bridling) your emotions is vital.
I rebelled, because that's what I do when people dictate my respones. Having recently read the first couple of books of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time I liked the character Lan, who from what I remember, is a tough warrior who says little and shows his emotions even less. I had always admired such characters and so I decided to emulate them when I entered that teacher's classroom.
It was hard at first, but soon the moment I walked through the doors of B Period all emotion would drain from my face and there was nothing. On at least one occasion I remember the teacher telling a joke and as the class chuckled she looked directly at me and feeling nothing but obligation I quirked a lip. By refusing to show emotion I had almost lost the ability to feel emotion in that class.
At the end of the year I invited all of my school teachers to a dinner at my church that the youth were specifically hosting for all their teachers. She came and sat next to my parents and I ended up serving their table. At the end of the night (which including me spilling some salad on my dad) she told my parents that "she's shown more emotion tonight then in the whole year I've taught her."
I'm not quite sure why but during this whole experience I realized that although I was not harmed (insulted/intimidated) by my teacher I also lost the opportunity to have any positive emotions in that class and I decided although Lan may seem cool it is not actually cool to be someone with no emotion.
So, why are emotionless characters so common? They seem like they have become more common in some movies lately, but emotionless is not really anything anyone can actually relate too... unless some people are emotionless (but I don't believe they are). And aren't the best characters the ones you relate to?
It seems as if perhaps because emotions can cause problems or can make us vulnerable then people assume that having no emotion is the answer, but having no emotion means you can't be happy, and I like to be happy.
So, I have to admit I am grateful for that teacher, and the odd experiment I undertook, because now I know.
Side note: I think controlling your emotions is entirely different then embracing apathy, and controlling (bridling) your emotions is vital.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Positivity
Recently I have been filling out applications and I get tired of all the questions couched in politically correct terms but really saying "please complain about how hard your life is." I wouldn't mind so much if they were asking about how I have overcome hard things but I don't think they are.
One question said something along the lines of "if you are from a group that is usually a minority within higher education please describe how your point of view will broaden the diversity of our school." I asked my friends for a few suggestions and I just rebelled at the thought of writing them (poor me I'm a woman in science). So instead I wrote this:
Historically women are underrepresented in higher education; however, this has not been a negative experience for me. Being part of an accepted minority has allowed me to see how diversity, when respected, can foster additional insights, creativity, and increased openness.
I think I had like 600 more characters I could have used but my writing tends to be brief.
It makes me wonder why people seem to like sob stories so much. Isn't it far too easy already to think and talk negatively, why not focus on our triumphs and overcoming? Why not focus on the bright and beautiful things in the world (or dark and beautiful--you know how I feel about nighttime) just because we can? Why focus on the differences when we can rejoice in common ground?
Perhaps some might say you only say that because your life is easy. You haven't been a shunned outsider/minority. And my answer to that is: you're right, my life is good, so again why should I complain about it. Maybe your life is good too and if you focused on the positive it might be better still.
One question said something along the lines of "if you are from a group that is usually a minority within higher education please describe how your point of view will broaden the diversity of our school." I asked my friends for a few suggestions and I just rebelled at the thought of writing them (poor me I'm a woman in science). So instead I wrote this:
Historically women are underrepresented in higher education; however, this has not been a negative experience for me. Being part of an accepted minority has allowed me to see how diversity, when respected, can foster additional insights, creativity, and increased openness.
I think I had like 600 more characters I could have used but my writing tends to be brief.
It makes me wonder why people seem to like sob stories so much. Isn't it far too easy already to think and talk negatively, why not focus on our triumphs and overcoming? Why not focus on the bright and beautiful things in the world (or dark and beautiful--you know how I feel about nighttime) just because we can? Why focus on the differences when we can rejoice in common ground?
Perhaps some might say you only say that because your life is easy. You haven't been a shunned outsider/minority. And my answer to that is: you're right, my life is good, so again why should I complain about it. Maybe your life is good too and if you focused on the positive it might be better still.
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Weirdness Defense
At get to know you activities (which I seem to constantly be a part of) one of the typical things is to go around in a person and say your name and one thing that is "interesting about you." Then I try to desperately think of something that is random but not actually that helpful in getting to know me... As in I don't like to say things that are typically seen as cool. For example on a few different occasions I've said "my hair is brown", "I like paperclips", or "I like to dig in the dirt". Random but not actually helpful.
The other day someone suggested I apply to Yale. I said "Why in the world would I want to go there?"
My friend said "because then people would think you're awesome."
"Exactly why would I want to go there?"
And she said, "because you are awesome."
I do think I'm interesting and kind of cool but I hate it when people assume I am for the wrong reasons. Maybe that is why I don't like it when people find out I'm a Master's student and they start gushing about how smart I am.... or I'm studying paleontology (dinosaurs) so suddenly I'm cooler than the person studying finance... ok so I don't mind that when it's my nephews that think I'm cool but yeah.
So basically I realized that I would rather tell acquaintances things that make me seem weird rather then cool.... perhaps it is a form of self defense. Tell them something weird so they run away instead of letting them get to know me and then having them run away.
Sometimes I think I am pretty confident and then I figure things like that out about myself and I think, maybe I'm not as confident as I thought.
The other day someone suggested I apply to Yale. I said "Why in the world would I want to go there?"
My friend said "because then people would think you're awesome."
"Exactly why would I want to go there?"
And she said, "because you are awesome."
I do think I'm interesting and kind of cool but I hate it when people assume I am for the wrong reasons. Maybe that is why I don't like it when people find out I'm a Master's student and they start gushing about how smart I am.... or I'm studying paleontology (dinosaurs) so suddenly I'm cooler than the person studying finance... ok so I don't mind that when it's my nephews that think I'm cool but yeah.
So basically I realized that I would rather tell acquaintances things that make me seem weird rather then cool.... perhaps it is a form of self defense. Tell them something weird so they run away instead of letting them get to know me and then having them run away.
Sometimes I think I am pretty confident and then I figure things like that out about myself and I think, maybe I'm not as confident as I thought.
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Sickness and Other Thoughts
The past couple of days I haven't really felt awesome. You know, it is cool to get colds this time of year. It has made me realize how juvenile I can be at times. Yesterday I went for a short walk in the rain because I wanted to but today I didn't talk to someone I was sitting next to at church because "I'm too tired." I guess I just realized that when I am feeling a little off I have a ready made excuse for anything I don't want to do, even if I'm fully capable. Not only do I have an excuse, but I use it.
It reminds me of a time in the MTC (explained a couple of posts ago) when I was recovering from a cold and I kept coughing, especially whenever someone asked me a hard question. It very nearly became a habit. Cough if I don't know the answer.... luckily someone called me out on it and I stopped but really sometimes I'm kind of a wimp. What is weird is I don't think I generally make that kind of lame excuse... I just do it when I'm a little sick.
In other news, this is the first post of a new year, and the end of the old. I thought about writing something about goals or a year in review or some such thing but I couldn't put my finger on anything concrete, so you get this instead. However, when I was thinking about that sort of thing I reread a few of my posts from this year (sometimes I'm pretty smart but I really should proofread, and I've learned some cool things) and I was surprised at how much the post from last year from around this same time is actually fairly similar to how I'm feeling at the moment. Maybe not much has really changed.
It reminds me of a time in the MTC (explained a couple of posts ago) when I was recovering from a cold and I kept coughing, especially whenever someone asked me a hard question. It very nearly became a habit. Cough if I don't know the answer.... luckily someone called me out on it and I stopped but really sometimes I'm kind of a wimp. What is weird is I don't think I generally make that kind of lame excuse... I just do it when I'm a little sick.
In other news, this is the first post of a new year, and the end of the old. I thought about writing something about goals or a year in review or some such thing but I couldn't put my finger on anything concrete, so you get this instead. However, when I was thinking about that sort of thing I reread a few of my posts from this year (sometimes I'm pretty smart but I really should proofread, and I've learned some cool things) and I was surprised at how much the post from last year from around this same time is actually fairly similar to how I'm feeling at the moment. Maybe not much has really changed.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Window Seats
My sister asked me to make her a window seat in her kitchen nook. When I told my roommate that I was planning on making it she said "You aren't a carpenter." What has that got to do with anything? :)
I did some online research about how to make window seats and found a blog about someone making one. I took that general plan and created a basic pattern. Then my Dad and I set out to make it. With my Dad's expertise and tools and with two heads and four hands (well plus some additional ones from friends and family) we made a window seat. I think it looks really nice, but it was a bigger project then I thought it would be. My nephew you helped us work on the frame work and then saw it finished said it was really nice to see the fruits of his labor.
Apparently I didn't take any with the curtains up.
I did some online research about how to make window seats and found a blog about someone making one. I took that general plan and created a basic pattern. Then my Dad and I set out to make it. With my Dad's expertise and tools and with two heads and four hands (well plus some additional ones from friends and family) we made a window seat. I think it looks really nice, but it was a bigger project then I thought it would be. My nephew you helped us work on the frame work and then saw it finished said it was really nice to see the fruits of his labor.
 |
| An Aesthetic Break (Our cut 2 by 4s) |
 |
| The frame |
 |
| Frame with top and bead board leaning up against the base |
 |
| The complete (more or less) with the kitchen table in position |
It was cool to see it come to fruition especially when it just started as some boring 2 by 4s. To watch a bare frame, the smidgen of an idea, become a reality.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)